Archive for the ‘Philebrity/Celebrity’ Category

It seems Christine Flowers is right, she’s a born conservative. Science has actually found biological differences between people of differing political viewpoints. But, Christine seems to believe that being a conservative makes her superior to immoral, un-American, “liberals” and homosexuals. Her writings are usually predictable and slightly overwrought, but now we know it’s her brain that’s to blame – she’s not simply trying to write as badly as possible. Her most recent column is full of the purplest of prose (though she might go red at the reference to any shade of lavendar). Miss Flowers’ latest screed is inspired by the recent Supreme Court decision on gay marriage. Its incomprehensible writing supports her thesis that the decision has her totally addled. She LIBERALLY employs a thesaurus, but fails to CONSERVE coherence in her column.

We usually find her writing pretentious and cliched. But, now that we know she can’t help it, we can just read her blog for entertainment value…

flowerladystrawman

Scarecrow: I haven’t got a brain… only straw. Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain? Scarecrow: I don’t know… But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking… don’t they? Dorothy: Yes, I guess you’re right.

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Talk about an unholy alliance…If you google “ARAmark” and “evil” you get 29,800 hits. But perhaps the megacorporation has done some penance, as they are the chosen ones for official merchandise for the Pope’s visit to Philadelphia.

ARAmark sure knows how to put the FUN in the profundo!  Let’s face it, piety and abstinence are sooo last millennium.  It’s the 21st century and even a pilgrimage by the Holy See has to be accompanied by a merchandising crusade. But we’re sure all the money will go to the poor…oh, wait…Anyway….take a look at some of these Biblically inspired bibelots!

Holy logos, look at all those fine garments! There are lovely vessels for drinking water AND wine; dishes for serving your daily bread; baby rosary beads; and don’t cross crucifixes off the gift list, there will be more of those than the loaves and fishes!

Don’t cut corners on your Pope-wear, get this “I Mitre Pope Francis” t-shirt now!

The only suggestion we might have is a few more “Phillycentric” souvenirs…Maybe silver bullets for killing local werewolves and protecting yourself from those residents who lack halos? Papal pretzels? Or maybe some other regionally inspired tchotchkes…

phanaticphreindsholy

Get the whole trinity of plush toys — the Father, the Satan, and the history spirit!

After reading John Bolaris’ screed in today’s Metro and last week’s bizarre online postings of Charles Peruto, it’s not hard to understand why these two little guys are friends.  They’re prime examples of Philly’s quirky celebrity culture where vapid, preternaturally tanned egomaniacs are considered high status.  It’s all about them, no matter what the reality is.  It’s like they’re starring in their own urban bromance novel…

bolarisperuto

I wonder just how many individuals thought, “Yo, Philly statue!” when they saw today’s google doodle?  Okay, so maybe most of the inhabitants of our fair city thought that, but then we’re not such deep thinkers…

Turns out some other folks might have thought it was a tribute to THEM as well.  Like the University of Louisville.  Heck, even Detroit and Cleveland have one of these sculptures.

Well, google missed a golden opportunity to pay tribute to a REAL Philly sculpture a few years ago during Rocky’s 30th anniversary.  Chumps!

We’re making up for that omission now…

Clearly it’s hot, or Bart would not want in on the action (but his desire to stake a claim in this development opportunity is not new “news”).   But, clearly Bart cares about the city and all the revenue he can generate for our poor schools.  And if the competition heats up too much, they can all cool it at Bart’s private swim club.

 

Umm…on another issue maybe we should start calling our town Phire-delphia, what with all the recent incendiary activity.

Between absentee landlords in Brooklyn sitting on dangerously derelict properties, to sadistic sociopaths torching animals, to our own high profile businessman whose decrepit building practically took out a major public transportation artery – this town is SMOKIN’! And not in a good way…

Maybe he’ll call it SPARX Casino…

Mmmmm…Michael Karloutsos seems to be the kind of guy who has a lot on his plate.
Firstly, he has a restaurant to run, and prior to opening the Water Works he had almost no restaurant experience at all – that’s gotta be stressful.

He’s got loans to keep track of, runs a consulting company, has to keep straight how many people actually own the restaurant, he has to remember which political party he’s affiliated with and who he’s raising money for, which of his relatives is in jail, which of his friends might have ties to the mob, and who’s suing him.  On top of all that, he’s even helped out the school district!
Unfortunately for the city, having so many pots on the stove has caused him to completely miss the fact that he hasn’t paid any utility bills for years.  He does make a point, though  — he says he never got a bill from the city.  It makes some sense that you wouldn’t ante up until you got a bill, and nobody in city hall seemed to take notice either. I guess those folks in city government are really busy too, thinking up ways to raise more revenue for our beleaguered city.

Hmmm…maybe it’s time for a trip to the Water Works for a $35 pork chop and an $11 salad and then when I’m done, I’ll just casually make my way to the door.  If anyone comes after me I’ll tell them, “Of course I didn’t pay, I never got the check!”

I thought the building was prix fixe — utilities included!!

 

Here’s a quote from John McNesby, an official with the Fraternal Order of Police:

He’s not respecting the uniform.  People died for that uniform. It’s not Halloween.

Who was he speaking about?

If you guessed the ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER then you would be right.  In Philadelphia, there’s no crime we hate worse than a thought crime.  You can sell drugs, not pay your bills, create hazards for public servants, pummel innocent bystanders on the street, and a few other nefarious activities and you’ll probably get away with it.  If you engage in this sort of behavior because of SOME IDEOLOGY then you’re gonna get beat down.  Blocking traffic and destroying private property as part of a Phillies celebration — no problem.  Blocking traffic in an effort to call attention to economic inequality in America — you’re a menace to society!

We should probably just abolish the 1st Amendment – it causes so much trouble – and make the 2nd Amendment #1.  It’s almost impossible for the average Philly cop to understand some sort of ideological argument, but easy to shoot somebody.  Why should they be forced to think so hard when they’d much rather just taser perps?  If we’re going to hold that 2nd Amendment sacred, then it might be best to eliminate the 1st.  Then, people might really think twice about opening their big mouths, so they’d be much less likely to get shot once everybody’s packing.  A win-win proposition.

The Philly Pride Lady ™ (yes, that’s a trademarked term, and no she’s not a tranny, she’s a REAL lady) has 7 very Ladylike outfits.  They’re actually aprons, because she is engaged in domestic (as opposed to foreign) WORK on behalf of us, the citizenry of Philadelphia.  She is indefatigable in her pursuit of civic unity under our official flag, but how many of us even knew she existed?!?  In a town with no shortage of odd mascots (Curby Bucket,  Philly Phanatic, and (the late) Captain Sewer) the flag lady stands out.  So why isn’t she more widely known…? 

The Lady (who is originally from Topeka) appears to be an anomaly in this town.  She does not appear to be connected to any questionable characters nor look to be skimming cash from the city coffers.  It appears she does what she does through the goodness of her heart with a desire to improve life in the city by instilling civic pride.  She seems almost saintly…

We are left snarkless.